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Ancient Hillbilly Burial Ground Found in South Georgia Swamp


Wendy Benton Parker From the depths of the Okefenokee Swamp, Dr. Lonnie Lee Parvo has recently announced the archeological find of this century. Dr. Parvo and his team claim to have unearthed the very cradle of Hillbilly Civilization.

“We have evidence of Pabst Blue Ribbon cans dating from as far back as the early thirties, we are positively sure this substantiates an early Hillbilly tribe. Our preliminary topographical information indicates that the entire area may just have been inhabited at one time. We’re extremely excited about this find.”

The announcement has been met with skepticism from other Hillbillologists, who assert Hill People never made it in cohesive groups past the North Georgia mountains. This theory is hotly debated at their annual meeting in Stockholm, where the ‘International Award for Things That Do Not Matter’ is sought after by fellow students of the ancient inbred and unwashed from all corners of the world.

“To study the common Hillbilly, you must know about the complexity of his primitive world, you must understand the lack of drive and ambition, and the determination to destroy one’s self. These traits are evident in this dig, there are the pre-requisite primitive engine blocks strewn about the site, and we have evidence of aluminum living quarters – which is considered the proverbial “slam dunk” in Hillbillology.”

Dr. Parvo’s disbelievers maintain his evidence has been mislabeled and is actually a fishing camp that was covered with mud during the great hurricane season of 92’. Dr. Wayne Wiggledon, a renowned Hillbillologist and author of, “Cousins Are Fair Game, Too”, weighs in with his respected opinion,

“Parvo is a blathering idiot. Anyone who has studied the old ones knows without a doubt, they never left the Pabst cans behind. Their women hammered them out and made trinkets, such as handbags and hair bows with them, carefully poking holes through the metal with cast off tools they found that were left by the Great Hoard of Traveling Mechanics. These rituals were passed down from mother to sister/daughter and cousin/sister, and are found at every known burial ground. The assumptions that the clan made it past the high terrain and left behind their resources, are too incredible to even be considered.”

Dr. Parvo maintains he has further concrete evidence in the form of an antiquated still coil, found only meters from the aluminum sleep dwelling. Upon further inspection, the coil turned out to be the petrified intestines of the Great Paleonastyoinkadon, and yet another archaeological dig has begun in the swamps of Southern Georgia.

Dr. Parvo has yet to respond with further comment.


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