Edna Wartwinkle is at it again and it’s all Dr. Phil’s fault. I hate to say it, but after many hours of observation and study of his show on my part, I have deduced that he is not only potentially dangerous, but also the reason Edna gets on her high horse.
She’s a big fan of Dr. Phil and feels it’s her God Given Right to psychologically analyze anyone she deems necessary. She holds a PhD in television talk shows. Unsuspecting innocents happening through through her line at the local Kroger are all fair game. Edna also believes her twenty-five years of public service working the checkout gives her the intrinsic ability to solve all the problems of mankind. Edna has huge hair and is possibly transporting weapons for the Taliban inside of it. I also have it on good authority that her four boys Walt, Wally, Woot and Weldon do not belong biologically to Mr.Wartwinkle.
I am forced to see Edna almost every time I have to go shop for food. Lane three at the local Kroger is the only lane without a frayed and squeaky conveyor belt. Edna has seniority and always chooses the only lane without a frayed and squeaky conveyor belt, because she senses that I might be a little bit OCD, and unable to use the frayed conveyor belt lines without a distinct amount of anxiety, and she is evil and wants to talk to me. Ha ha, just kidding. Okay, maybe not, but I am forced to actually speak to Edna Wartwinlke on a regular basis.
After about the fifth time I went through Edna’s line, she noticed I always buy pretty much the exact same items, and there is very little variation in what I purchase. She doesn’t seem to understand it’s much more economical for me to buy the things my family will actually eat, and those happen to be pretty much the same things, over and over again.
Edna suggested I spice my family life up a little with a few pomegranates and maybe a kiwi or two. I was appalled and suggested to Edna that my family only eats By God American food like beef chunks and cheese whiz. Edna suggested I watch the next episode of Dr. Phil because he was going to investigate ‘how to implement new things into your diet and life’ and impart to you, the viewer, just how to do this splendidly and seamlessly and you would forever be awesome and have nice hooves and shiny hair. Edna felt it would be good for my family to try new things. It must be noted here again that Edna is evil.
I began watching Dr. Phil the very next day. I’ll have to admit, he is very convincing and may occasionally be right about something, but for the most part his ideas don’t quite work in the real world. I even made a special trip to Kroger for a pomegranate to say I had tried his theory of Changey McChange.
Eating a pomegranate is somewhat like trying to gain nutrition from eating carpenter ants. After you procure a machete from the local Bush Country Store to chop it open with, you are left with a handful of tiny seeds that have about a half a drop of liquid in them surrounded by a slimy skin. I’m guessing that you are supposed to suck the juice off the seeds and spit them out, but you’d die from hunger and malnutrition if you were counting on these things to give you any sustenance. Also, a new machete costs seventy-nine dollars. Sorry Dr. Phil, but my family will have to stick to beef chunks and cheese whiz in order to keep our By God American girth.
I got the eyebrow today from Edna as I was going through her line. I knew she was going to have some snide comment about the very important and completely necessary habit I have of slapping the counter with my right hand three times and stomping my left foot once before writing my check. I had to start over twice because she kept trying to hand me a pen. It was very stressful and Edna implied during idle conversation that Dr. Phil thinks I’m weird. Actually, what Edna said is that Dr. Phil calls that a ‘compulsion’ and you can take ‘medication’ for it.
I implied to Edna I am one side effect away from being a glow worm already and that there would be no more ‘medication’. I also implied to Edna that Dr. Phil needs a cat so he can be enlightened to some of the very important and completely necessary habits I have. Edna stated she had a cat and did not share any of my habits. This only confirms the fact that Edna is a reanimated corpse and possibly carrying rabies.
I have called the authorities at the local Kroger and alerted them of the frayed and squeaky conveyor belt status that they have on all but one of their seventy-two checkout lanes. I have been assured by management the next time I do my shopping I will not have to interact with anyone at all, they have checkouts that are do-it-yourself and I will be instructed on how to operate them upon my next visit. They’ll get back to me on whether or not they’ll install a special counter for me to complete my very important and completely necessary habits upon. Life is good and I have cut Edna Wartwinlke out of my schedule for now. I hope Dr. Phil likes the cat that I picked out for him…….